The most protean aspect of comedy is its potentiality for transcending itself, for responding to the conditions of tragedy by laughing in the darkness.
Harry Levin
Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages
Dave Barry
Sometimes I wave to people I don`t know. It`s very dangerous to wave to someone you don`t know, because what if they don`t have a hand? They`ll think you`re cocky. `Look what I got... This thing is useful. I`m gonna go pick somethin` up.`
Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well,...
Mitch Hedberg
Alcoholism is a disease, but it`s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn`t sound right.
Mitch Hedberg
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She`s an actress, she`s just never called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It`s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.
Mitch Hedberg
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering m...
Woody Allen