If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you`re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you`re not it does just the opposite. It`s like "hey, there`s an asshole."
Demetri Martin
If hooking a car battery up to a monkey`s brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody`s life, I have two things to say... the red is positive and the black is negative.
Nick DiPaolo
A republican stands up in congress and says `I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!` and the democrat stands up after him and says `AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!`
Lewis Black
My mother wanted me to be a lawyer and I wanted to be an Actor. So I went to school, majored in theatre, and said `Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an actor.` A couple of weeks after I graduated college I called my mother up and said `Ca...
Arsenio Hall
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual
Phyllis Diller
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That`s like a free compliment and you don`t even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write `I really enjoyed being here`, but I accidentally wrote `rarely` instead of `really`. But I wanted to use it, I didn`t want to cross it out, so I wrote `I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There`s a lot of sh*t...
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Subject: Funny QuotesSource: brainyquote.com
